Standing close. Holding Words.

Again you appear in my dreams….either from me to regret my mistakes or that I can meet someone like you again. In the dream we are back in college and I’m up arguing with a group of guys, one who is into you, and it’s just a bashing of each other and I woke up with my blood boiling and then I just smiled and laughed. I’ve seen you twice in 27 years and I am still happy we met. Happy about that love that was stupid yet valid. I also thanked God. If these are the lessons he will teach me the rest of my life; I am thankful. I don’t need any more of the ones I’ve had to learn from the last 10 years. You’re still number one girl. By a long shot. Ha. 

"In young love, we learn how to be brave, vulnerable, and resilient all at once" — Unknown

The Untethered Soul - The Path of Unconditional Happiness pgs. 145-148

This really just woke me up. Amazing...

If you take on this path of unconditional happiness, you will go through all of the various stages of yoga. You will have to stay conscious, centered, and committed at all times. You will have to stay one-pointed on your commitment to remain open and receptive to life. But nobody said that you can't do this. Staying open is what the great saints and masters taught. They taught that God is joy, God is ecstasy, and God is love. If you remain open enough, waves of uplifting energy will fill your heart.

Spiritual practices are not an end in themselves. They bear fruit when you become deep enough to remain open. If you learn to stay open at all times, great things will happen to you. You simply have to learn not to close.

The key is to learn to keep your mind disciplined enough so that it doesn't trick you into thinking that this time i's worth closing. If you slip, get back up. The minute you slip, the minute you open your mouth, the minute you start to close and defend yourself, get back up. Just pick yourself up and affirm inwardly that you don't want to close, no matter what happens. Affirm that all you want is to be at peace and to appreciate life. You don't want your happiness to be conditional upon the behavior of other people. It's bad enough that your happiness is conditional upon your own behavior. When you start making it conditional upon other people's behavior, you're in serious trouble. "

Things are going to happen to you, and you're going to feel the tendency to close. But you have the choice to either go with it or let it go. Your mind will tell you that it's not reasonable to stay open when these things happen. But you have limited time left in your life, and what's really not reasonable is to not enjoy life.

If you have trouble remembering that, then meditate. Meditation strengthens your center of consciousness so that you're always aware enough to not allow your heart to close. You remain open by simply letting go and releasing the tendency to close. You just relax your heart when it starts to tighten. You don't have to be outwardly glowing all the time; you're just joyful inside. Instead of complaining, you're just having fun with the different situations that unfold.

Unconditional happiness is a very high path and a very high technique because it solves everything. You could learn yoga techniques, such as meditation and postures, but what do you do with the rest of your life?

The technique of unconditional happiness is ideal because what you're

Once you have passed through trial by fire, and you are thoroughly convinced that you will let go no matter what, then the veils of the human mind and heart will fall away. You will stand face-to-face with what is beyond you because there is no longer a need for you. When you are done playing with the temporal and finite, you will open to the eternal and innit. Then the word "happiness" can't describe your state. That's where words like ecstasy, bliss, liberation, Nirvana, and freedom come in. The joy becomes overwhelming, and your cup runneth over.

This is a beautiful path. Be happy.

Road Worrier

 It’s 5:39am. From the open window in my bedroom I can hear the traffic moving down the highway. A cool almost-to-be fall morning. Only about 10 years ago, I would be waiting outside with my luggage for a cab to take to me a train or plane. I was robotic back in those days. Never really knowing my “why”; just that I had to do this or that for customer this or that. While most people my age at that time were getting married and starting families….I was logging miles and miles. About 400 train rides, 100 plane trips, 100’s of cab rides (uber wasn’t around then) and one emergency landing. Hello Fort Wayne, Indiana….I don’t miss you. 

There were literally times during those days I would show up in some city, in some other state, in some rental car, and my customer contact would be like….you probably didn’t even need to be here for this. I would always shake my head, curse to the sky and think of Adam Sandler’s line, “information that would’ve been better if I had it yesterday.” I would meet people from my company. Some just look kinda lost. Some were already living in that city and would be onsite for a minute and go home and do little. Some just treated it like a mini vacation to “get away from the wife and kids”. Some had no family. 

Today it’s amazing to me that that was a way of life. Most people back home, they were working their 40 hours and going home. I was working 40, traveling another 20-40 and trying to have some type of life, some type of relationship, some type of normalcy. I could pack a 3-day carry on in the dark. I learned to get dressed by the light of a phone. My grandpop, bless his heart, he never woke up those 500am mornings when I would get 1-2 hours of sleep and get the Septa to 30th street. The only reason I stayed at his place was to show the guy some love and share a pizza with him Monday night; but boy was I completely exhausted going to DC. I know now what it caused to happen in my body. A cost you cannot return. I have zero doubt. 

Everyone who heard I would travel would say oh that’s so cool. People always think you’re going to these great places. DC isn’t really that special affer your 300th trip. It’s less special when it’s about to snow and all your fed colleagues stay home and you’re 200 miles from home. Normal Illinois….well it’s boring as all hell. The home of State Farm. Chicago…it’s too wild. Newbury, CT….not much. Dothan, Alabama is actually nice to drive through, but the “are you a Yankee?” will make you realize quick….you’re out of place. Along with the gas stations that are half food and gas and then another side for NASCAR and SEC gear. Ok. I geeked for the SEC gear. And those guys at the Southern Powen Nuke plant. They were down home good old boys. Eating dinner off the coast of San Diego near the seals was cool. Those winding streets. The guy who “worked on one of my movies” that stopped me in DC. Well, I still don’t know who he thought I was but that was cool. Driving to the Upper Peninesula in Michigan where the Yoopers live to go to the Toshiba Power plant in Ludington was cool. It was lonely and it was one day but there was a certain peace you just can’t buy up there. The coast is rocky and dangerous but peaceful and sandy. Lake Michigan during a windy winter is as violent as any ocean and I quickly understood how ships got wrecked out there. Bill Smith, lead PM then, nice enough to invite me to dinner with only meeting me once. I told myself I would finish that training in Dothan in one day just so I could drive that trip to Pensacola. All I wanted to do was see the ocean. Pensacola is a sleepy coastal town. It was super chill and I did my class and all of my students invited me out to dinner for stories about coon and squirrel hunting and living off the land as young folks. We laughed a lot. The surprise 400 person “Tony Robbins” show in Normal for tons of State Farm people really caught me off guard but I sure did rock it out and celebrate like a real adult with a DQ Blizzard. Thank God I wasn’t diabetic then!

At 32 to 38, I really didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know what all those miles were doing to me. I wasn’t really aware of the cost it was taking on my mind, body qnd soul. I didn’t realize the investment of travel. I always had some type of book with me but part of me wishes I had read more. More about non work things. I got better with the train. I would have my ear wax and glasses on and sleep so good on the trips south. Planes became like my bed at home. The movie on my tablet on the plane ride home in darkness always one of my favorite memories. It was like my own little movie theater. 

They say people love traveling for all those points. Given my circumstances in that part of my life. I guess those points lead to some good times and memories. They’re not of much value these days but I guess I can say that I was afforded the opportunity to do some cool things. People, well, some, they never knew how exhausted I was. I developed a chronic disease I have zero doubt came from stress and lack of sleep most weeks. Granted I didn’t help myself by coming home and getting wild with people but I had like 2 days to see people in my life and you try to fit a life into that. I guess I got to go and do some cool shit. I definitely have paid a price. Granted I haven’t traveled like that in years. I wouldn’t do it that way again. No frigging way. 

That and hearing the captain of a plane say “folks we need to make an emergency landing…we’ve run out of fuel…” while you’re 25,000ft in the sky will sure make you value your life. I wish people knew how tired and exhausted I was. I tried to put in a smile and act like everything was alright but I was so tired inside. That guy definitely doesn’t exist any more. Life got way more serious and sad the last 10 years; I wish I hadn’t traveled so much those years but I did stay as present as one could be when I was there. I can say this though. Most companies don’t care that you’re traveling to make them money. They’re happy it’s you and not them. It’s a thankless side of that consulting business. Maybe one that isn’t as prevalent now. 

My favorite travel times were usually the ones I knew I would have a break and some time to decompress. The northeast corridor train to Kingston, RI. The occasional plane trip to some warm place or even that trip to Mexico to surprise my family. Trips to Chicago to see my buddy. The train ride north; once you get past NYC…you’re coasting. You’re going past cities and towns that seem like they don’t touch the rest of the world. You can see parts of the ocean. Coming through CT, you’re basically on the ocean…so close you could get out and walk to the water. I always had my backpack, my clothes for the weekend, my book, my thoughts, my exhaustion. 

I’m amazed I even hung in there as long as I did. When I left that role, there was no thanks, no we really appreciate what you did, nothing. I think that’s what hurts. The people who were controlling my trips; they could’ve cared less about how tired I was. Cared less about all that lost time with loved ones. Cared less about my safety. And today I don’t care about them at all. If anything, I regret them being able to do that to me. I really do. Ungrateful soulless drains on society. 

I guess all in all. I got do some cool shit with some cool people in my life those years. I got to see and do things that kid from Folcroft absolutely never thought he would ever do. Coming home to people I love or going to see them; it made it worth it. It made their value in my life so special. I always brought Mom back a magnet from my trips. She got a kick out of that. 

In my next life, the only trips around the sun I really want to make are birthdays. 

Bye Dad....See you on the other side. Keep the fire burning for me.

 First off I want to thank all of you for coming today. We really appreciate it. I wish it was under better circumstances, but alas, here we are. I just wanted to share some thoughts I had over the last 12 months as we watched him battle and fight the good fight. 

#1 

As I was default babysitter, I was default “rig the car to work mechanic”. I cannot even say how many winter nights I held the flash light for him. I was like, “should you be smoking near the gas tank?....Bobby, for Christ’s sake….just hold the damn light…” So I did my job. We’d rig another fix so Mom could get to work. A few weeks would go by and I would forget about it. Typically I had practice and never thought much about it. Until his night shift would end and he would drive by the bus stop in the Caprice Classic, roll the window down in his work clothes and ask me (soph or jr), do you and your friends want a ride to school in this hot rod? I would just say….”dad. Just go home…” ….and he’d laugh….a devilish laugh. 

#2

My dad would drive signs for Alto. I really never had an idea when…but we did two trips. One to Chicago and one to Cinci. They were always done at night. Very dark. I can talk to the Chicago trip. We would be on the road in pure darkness. Can I tell you that being with your dad in a car for 3-4 days is a lot? I was like 12-13. I had just seen Eight Men Out, about Shoeless Joe Jackson and the 1919 White Sox. I was so in awe of ChiTown. So we drove to Chicago. We stopped at every McDonalds to get cheeseburgers. George Harrison’s “I got my mind set on you” played every 100 miles. We got to Wrigley to see A League of their Own being filmed. So on the south side of Chicago, we get to Comiskey Park, built in 1910. They were demolishing it with a wrecking ball. These were the days before the internet, so Philly folks getting news out of Chicago wasn’t happening. I was so sad. I had my hands on the fencing. Bricks of the old park, still with paint on them, scattered everywhere. He said, “reach your hand under and grab one….” So, I did. Sirens go blasting….he says, “well, here they come for you….” I was about to shit my pants….but it had nothing to do with me. That brick and the upper facade piece……are still one of my prized possessions today. George Harrison’s song….always brings me back to that time. 

#3

We can start back at Upland Street. It’s funny, cause it was my Uncle Joe (Kenney), who really asked me the $64,000 question. He said, “Do any of your sisters even know about Upland Street or Lansdowne?” I looked at him and was like, “No, I don’t know…I was like 4-5.” My memories of Upland Street aren’t that vivid, but I do know I was surrounded by family, a caged in yard to ride my big wheel and my first friend “Boo” which my Mom always asked me if I remembered him.

When we got to Folcroft, it was great. Lots of food, movies day and night, cheese and crackers, Lou’s Pizza, Christmas gifts galore, no issues. And then, my four roommates showed up. A nice spacious house, became a house with very clear boundaries. Lisa, Chrissy, Stacey, Kathy. I say it that way for a certain reason to which I cannot divulge. Things got tough. I ate a lot less, I did more wash, got less presents. I became an expert at wash, folding women’s clothes, and the default built-in baby-sitter. Watching 4 young girls when you’re 10 is not easy. I was always jealous of my Fehrle cousins….cause the dynamic, well, it’s as clear as Adam and Eve. I’m convinced child labor laws didn’t exist in the 80’s. I did my best. 1,000lbs of cheesebread, 2,000 hours of Wizard of Oz, may have locked them in their room to just hang out and I really learned what it meant to be a guardian, but also learning to care, love, and be there for my family. A trait that has never left me. Today I realize my mom and dad were also proud I could be that person. 

My bedroom got a key-lock, a peep-hole to see who was knocking, a lock box for my private stuff and really, I was kinda like in a hostel with this “new” family. What I realized later in life, after the 100 calls to Super Fresh from one of the girls saying “Bobby is being mean”...or the time Lisa grabbed a serrated knife and said “I will kill you”, is that, tribes only grow from constant interaction. Even if it’s forced. My cousin Jason and I say that more and more as we both age but also live alone. Community is everything…even your community of siblings. My dad comes from a big family. Our big family at 988 was always special…even if I became a rumor or some mythical creature who was rarely seen. Some of my sister’s friends would meet me later in life and be like, “Wow, never knew they even had a brother…” Later in life, many people would realize I grew up with so many sisters and look at me like I was a POW. I never looked at it like that. Ever. 

I bring all this up….cause the last years since my Mom moved on…I could see that the only thing that would heal my father was family and friends. It’s like you don’t realize how much you appreciate the “struggle of life” until there is no more struggle. That constant busy life at 988 had moved on to other places. Something that happens to all families. We would have Folcroft Pizza parties at 988 but we always longed for more. Of course we wanted my mom. It was hard to not hear her laugh or feel her love close by. We just couldn’t replace her. She was the GOAT. I felt really bad for my dad. I watched him thrive on visitors, but I watched him long for the 988 he knew for so long. My mom, dinner at the table, cheese hoagies for two, her Chinese food order with double shrimp and him getting on her for making a gallon of coffee and drinking 2 cups, and the daily “Bob, where is my….?” it hurt me to know I couldn’t give that to him. Privately I would bring up my Mom, but it was just too hard for him to discuss.

All I can say is that this ride, this roller coaster of life…..it’s way more enjoyable and surprising with a group of riders. I have been so lucky to realize that since our Thanksgivings at Saybrook. Cherish those closest to you. Most of you obviously know how my mom passed away…..cherish every god damn moment you can with your loved ones. I say that now as a man who will forever be Bob and Patti’s first born and only son. Something I take pride in every single day. Two crazy hard working kids who shacked up, made me, raised me, and contributed to my growth as a man and as a human being. Their passion for their family is a passion I will always have. 

One day you wake up and you can’t call them, you can’t hug them, you can’t do anything. It is a feeling I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Time is the richest commodity. 

Eventually all of our trains pull into that last station. Try and do everything you can, while you can with your people. If that means saying sorry, do it. If that means accepting an apology, accept it. If that means changing, change. Even if it’s a call, a text, a quick visit. It will help you as much as it does them. 

Dad, the 988 train was one helluva force to be reckoned with. And I’m grateful I got to be a passenger on a train laying its own tracks. We may have not known our destination, but we enjoyed the ride. I’m sure all four of the girls wanted to toss me on the tracks a few times, but thank God you put that lock on my door. 

Looking directly at me, one of the last things you said to me was ”we sure have been on a long road together. Sometimes it was bumpy, but I’m still your friend right? You’re my first born and my only son…” When you said that, I closed my hands and sat in silence for a second. Part of me felt you had come to a place of peace. Yup dad. I’m still your friend and I’m not gonna stop Uncle Jimmy from calling me Little Dexter any time soon, but I’m done with the “see my thumb” trick.

We sure were going off the rails on a crazy train weren’t we Dad? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

Til we meet again. 

Thank you. 

Untethered Soul - The Path to Unconditional Happiness

 Let's say you've been lost and without food for days, and you finally find your way to a house. You can hardly make it to the doorstep, bur you manage to pull yourself up and knock on the door. Somebody opens da door, looks at you and says, "Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you wan something to eat? What would you like?" Now the truth is, you rel don't care what they give you. You don't even want to think about it. Ya you need food, it no longer has anything to do with your mental prefer-ences. The same goes for the question about happiness. The question in simply "Do you want to be happy?" If the answer is really yes, then say it without qualifying it. After all, what the question really means is "Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regard less of what happens?"

Now, if you say yes, it might happen that your wife leaves you, or your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down on an open highway at night. Those things might happen between now and the end of your life. But if you want to walk the highest spiritual path, then when you answer yes to that simple question, you must really mean it. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It's not a question of whether. your happiness is under your control. Of course it's under your control.It's just that you don't really mean it when you say you're willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn't happen, or as long as that does happen, then you're willing to be happy.

That's why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You simply aren't going to be able to control things and keep them the way you want them.

You have to give an unconditional answer. If you decide that you're going to be happy from now on for the rest of your life, you will not only be happy, you will become enlightened. Unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. You don't have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don't have to renounce the world. You just have to really mean it when you say that you choose to be happy. And you have to mean it regardless of what happens. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to Awakening as could possibly exist.

Once you decide you want to be unconditionally happy, someth inevitably will happen that challenges you. This test of your committment is exactly what stimulates your spiritual growth.

Miss you Florida. I will be back. 

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II 

The Enchiridion by Epictetus

The Enchiridion by Epictetus, a classic text of Stoicism, starts with this fundamental idea:

“Some things are under our control, while others are not under our control. Under our control are conception, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything that is our own doing; not under our control are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, everything that is not our own doing. Furthermore, the things under our control are by nature free, unhindered, and unimpeded; while the things not under our control are weak, servile, subject to hindrance, and not our own."