Bye Dad....See you on the other side. Keep the fire burning for me.

 First off I want to thank all of you for coming today. We really appreciate it. I wish it was under better circumstances, but alas, here we are. I just wanted to share some thoughts I had over the last 12 months as we watched him battle and fight the good fight. 

#1 

As I was default babysitter, I was default “rig the car to work mechanic”. I cannot even say how many winter nights I held the flash light for him. I was like, “should you be smoking near the gas tank?....Bobby, for Christ’s sake….just hold the damn light…” So I did my job. We’d rig another fix so Mom could get to work. A few weeks would go by and I would forget about it. Typically I had practice and never thought much about it. Until his night shift would end and he would drive by the bus stop in the Caprice Classic, roll the window down in his work clothes and ask me (soph or jr), do you and your friends want a ride to school in this hot rod? I would just say….”dad. Just go home…” ….and he’d laugh….a devilish laugh. 

#2

My dad would drive signs for Alto. I really never had an idea when…but we did two trips. One to Chicago and one to Cinci. They were always done at night. Very dark. I can talk to the Chicago trip. We would be on the road in pure darkness. Can I tell you that being with your dad in a car for 3-4 days is a lot? I was like 12-13. I had just seen Eight Men Out, about Shoeless Joe Jackson and the 1919 White Sox. I was so in awe of ChiTown. So we drove to Chicago. We stopped at every McDonalds to get cheeseburgers. George Harrison’s “I got my mind set on you” played every 100 miles. We got to Wrigley to see A League of their Own being filmed. So on the south side of Chicago, we get to Comiskey Park, built in 1910. They were demolishing it with a wrecking ball. These were the days before the internet, so Philly folks getting news out of Chicago wasn’t happening. I was so sad. I had my hands on the fencing. Bricks of the old park, still with paint on them, scattered everywhere. He said, “reach your hand under and grab one….” So, I did. Sirens go blasting….he says, “well, here they come for you….” I was about to shit my pants….but it had nothing to do with me. That brick and the upper facade piece……are still one of my prized possessions today. George Harrison’s song….always brings me back to that time. 

#3

We can start back at Upland Street. It’s funny, cause it was my Uncle Joe (Kenney), who really asked me the $64,000 question. He said, “Do any of your sisters even know about Upland Street or Lansdowne?” I looked at him and was like, “No, I don’t know…I was like 4-5.” My memories of Upland Street aren’t that vivid, but I do know I was surrounded by family, a caged in yard to ride my big wheel and my first friend “Boo” which my Mom always asked me if I remembered him.

When we got to Folcroft, it was great. Lots of food, movies day and night, cheese and crackers, Lou’s Pizza, Christmas gifts galore, no issues. And then, my four roommates showed up. A nice spacious house, became a house with very clear boundaries. Lisa, Chrissy, Stacey, Kathy. I say it that way for a certain reason to which I cannot divulge. Things got tough. I ate a lot less, I did more wash, got less presents. I became an expert at wash, folding women’s clothes, and the default built-in baby-sitter. Watching 4 young girls when you’re 10 is not easy. I was always jealous of my Fehrle cousins….cause the dynamic, well, it’s as clear as Adam and Eve. I’m convinced child labor laws didn’t exist in the 80’s. I did my best. 1,000lbs of cheesebread, 2,000 hours of Wizard of Oz, may have locked them in their room to just hang out and I really learned what it meant to be a guardian, but also learning to care, love, and be there for my family. A trait that has never left me. Today I realize my mom and dad were also proud I could be that person. 

My bedroom got a key-lock, a peep-hole to see who was knocking, a lock box for my private stuff and really, I was kinda like in a hostel with this “new” family. What I realized later in life, after the 100 calls to Super Fresh from one of the girls saying “Bobby is being mean”...or the time Lisa grabbed a serrated knife and said “I will kill you”, is that, tribes only grow from constant interaction. Even if it’s forced. My cousin Jason and I say that more and more as we both age but also live alone. Community is everything…even your community of siblings. My dad comes from a big family. Our big family at 988 was always special…even if I became a rumor or some mythical creature who was rarely seen. Some of my sister’s friends would meet me later in life and be like, “Wow, never knew they even had a brother…” Later in life, many people would realize I grew up with so many sisters and look at me like I was a POW. I never looked at it like that. Ever. 

I bring all this up….cause the last years since my Mom moved on…I could see that the only thing that would heal my father was family and friends. It’s like you don’t realize how much you appreciate the “struggle of life” until there is no more struggle. That constant busy life at 988 had moved on to other places. Something that happens to all families. We would have Folcroft Pizza parties at 988 but we always longed for more. Of course we wanted my mom. It was hard to not hear her laugh or feel her love close by. We just couldn’t replace her. She was the GOAT. I felt really bad for my dad. I watched him thrive on visitors, but I watched him long for the 988 he knew for so long. My mom, dinner at the table, cheese hoagies for two, her Chinese food order with double shrimp and him getting on her for making a gallon of coffee and drinking 2 cups, and the daily “Bob, where is my….?” it hurt me to know I couldn’t give that to him. Privately I would bring up my Mom, but it was just too hard for him to discuss.

All I can say is that this ride, this roller coaster of life…..it’s way more enjoyable and surprising with a group of riders. I have been so lucky to realize that since our Thanksgivings at Saybrook. Cherish those closest to you. Most of you obviously know how my mom passed away…..cherish every god damn moment you can with your loved ones. I say that now as a man who will forever be Bob and Patti’s first born and only son. Something I take pride in every single day. Two crazy hard working kids who shacked up, made me, raised me, and contributed to my growth as a man and as a human being. Their passion for their family is a passion I will always have. 

One day you wake up and you can’t call them, you can’t hug them, you can’t do anything. It is a feeling I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Time is the richest commodity. 

Eventually all of our trains pull into that last station. Try and do everything you can, while you can with your people. If that means saying sorry, do it. If that means accepting an apology, accept it. If that means changing, change. Even if it’s a call, a text, a quick visit. It will help you as much as it does them. 

Dad, the 988 train was one helluva force to be reckoned with. And I’m grateful I got to be a passenger on a train laying its own tracks. We may have not known our destination, but we enjoyed the ride. I’m sure all four of the girls wanted to toss me on the tracks a few times, but thank God you put that lock on my door. 

Looking directly at me, one of the last things you said to me was ”we sure have been on a long road together. Sometimes it was bumpy, but I’m still your friend right? You’re my first born and my only son…” When you said that, I closed my hands and sat in silence for a second. Part of me felt you had come to a place of peace. Yup dad. I’m still your friend and I’m not gonna stop Uncle Jimmy from calling me Little Dexter any time soon, but I’m done with the “see my thumb” trick.

We sure were going off the rails on a crazy train weren’t we Dad? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

Til we meet again. 

Thank you. 

Untethered Soul - The Path to Unconditional Happiness

 Let's say you've been lost and without food for days, and you finally find your way to a house. You can hardly make it to the doorstep, bur you manage to pull yourself up and knock on the door. Somebody opens da door, looks at you and says, "Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you wan something to eat? What would you like?" Now the truth is, you rel don't care what they give you. You don't even want to think about it. Ya you need food, it no longer has anything to do with your mental prefer-ences. The same goes for the question about happiness. The question in simply "Do you want to be happy?" If the answer is really yes, then say it without qualifying it. After all, what the question really means is "Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regard less of what happens?"

Now, if you say yes, it might happen that your wife leaves you, or your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down on an open highway at night. Those things might happen between now and the end of your life. But if you want to walk the highest spiritual path, then when you answer yes to that simple question, you must really mean it. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It's not a question of whether. your happiness is under your control. Of course it's under your control.It's just that you don't really mean it when you say you're willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn't happen, or as long as that does happen, then you're willing to be happy.

That's why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You simply aren't going to be able to control things and keep them the way you want them.

You have to give an unconditional answer. If you decide that you're going to be happy from now on for the rest of your life, you will not only be happy, you will become enlightened. Unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. You don't have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don't have to renounce the world. You just have to really mean it when you say that you choose to be happy. And you have to mean it regardless of what happens. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to Awakening as could possibly exist.

Once you decide you want to be unconditionally happy, someth inevitably will happen that challenges you. This test of your committment is exactly what stimulates your spiritual growth.

Miss you Florida. I will be back. 

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II 

The Enchiridion by Epictetus

The Enchiridion by Epictetus, a classic text of Stoicism, starts with this fundamental idea:

“Some things are under our control, while others are not under our control. Under our control are conception, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything that is our own doing; not under our control are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, everything that is not our own doing. Furthermore, the things under our control are by nature free, unhindered, and unimpeded; while the things not under our control are weak, servile, subject to hindrance, and not our own."

Untethered Soul - Letting Go of False Solidity Pg 139 and comments

 "If you take the journey, you will get to the state in which you see exactly how the unfolding moments bring up a sense of fear. From this place of clarity, you will be able to experience the powerful tendency to protet yourself. This tendency exists because you truly have no control, and that is not comfortable to you. But if you really want to break through, you have to be willing to just watch the fear without protecting yourself from it. You must be willing to see that this need to protect yourself is where the entire personality comes from. It was created by building a mental and emotional structure to get away from the sense of fear. You are now standing face-to-face with the root of the psyche...."

After being abroad many times over the years. Seeing rich and poor nations and people, Americans are definitely living in a state of fear. I think the fear comes up from the thought of building a life, getting to that long term vision, then being part of the build (fortress) and then you've built up so much around you, you don't really experience anything cause you've protected yourself for so long. You've become weak cause you control everything in your world. You've become vulnerable to change and you can't adapt. You are in essence controlling what may actually make you grow as a person. Life happens and hurt happens. Americans (and I am one) surround themselves with way artificial ways to make them feel better. Drugs, booze, cars, houses, vacations, clothes, health kicks, drugs to change appearance....etc etc. The thing we aren't usually changing with all that stuff is our inner self. We are doing all these outside things for the here and the now, but our inside is still made of glass and fragile. I realize that more now at 47 than I did 27. Having gone through some serious pain and loss. Unfortunately, I don't think you really know how human and mortal you are until you have suffered in some great way. It might sound dark, but you only know how deep your love is when the thing you love is gone forever. This could be a myriad of things.

There are days when I realize the amount of loss I have gone through can both make me feel invincible and vulnerable; depending on the moment or what is going on in my body. I think both are fine. 

I guess it comes down to, how strong do you really believe you are? Are you totally insulated out of control? Out of your need to not experience hurt? Are you just in your own little world? Or are you using something as a prop or an excuse? Like you are some homesteader who is living on his own land and the weird idea "it's just me and my family"....while a Starbucks light keeps you up at night?

It may take a lifetime to figure you out. 

A question. An answer I didn’t want to hear.

The older I get the more I believe something is behind all of us in all of this. I’m not specifically speaking about God or Allah or what have you. Just something behind this life, our ability to conjure thoughts any time we’d like. I’ve been put through an emotional meat grinder the last few weeks. Summer, where usually everything is great and free and flowing. I can’t go into it all now cause it’s 7:13am EST. You don’t come up in my daily thought process. Why would you? It’s been forever since I last saw you. It’s been a minute since we spoke. There is no reason to. Regardless of the good; there are boundaries and respect. 

I am waking up from a slumber of really not a lot of dreaming but it all became so vivid towards the end. Scary vivid. I can’t remember ever speaking in a dream. I really cannot and I’ve had some bangers. I haven’t seen you in forever but it was the you I last saw that I was looking at. Face to face. I asked you a question that, well, is always relevant regardless of time. A question where the answer can be both good and bad given the circumstances. The funnier thing is we were in some city. A city we never visited. I can see the room and I can see big windows looking out to some architecture only a city would hold. I laughed cause I just thought, that would be the last place I would want to be. Then again, there are places that you would go with that special person where it was never about the place, but all about the person you were with. That much I know. 

I used to travel a lot. I don’t miss those days. I don’t miss being away. Now I am not away, but yet, I have been “gone”. Checked out of life on this other path. People back home never realized while they were putting in 40, I was usually doing 60 or sometimes 80 with all my travel time. The investment of my time was the worst thing I could’ve chosen. It’s the only investment you usually can’t get back. While I have been “gone” to torment and the chaos around me, I have learned what I did wrong and part of me regrets that deeply. I thought, this is what I invested in? This is the trash I kept? Blah. Granted I survived but man I paid that ultimate price. You. Of course, do I think it would’ve worked out regardless? Who knows? A guy can dream. 

What did I ask you in the dream? I asked you if you still loved me. You started to cry, nodded yes and put your head down. I shook my head and nodded and put my head down. 

The dream ended. I woke up smiling. 

I usually always woke up smiling next to you. 

God. Listen.

God, please. I beg you. Do not take any more away from me. I cannot take it. I beg you. You took my mom in 2018. Her sister 2 years later. Now my last aunt on her side. God, you knew better. You did. She deserved a second chance and you know it. You may never forgive me. I will never forgive you. God. Why are you punishing us? This is too much. They all have been taken under 62. God, you never gave them second chances!!! Where is your mercy????? Where is your grace???? I beg of thee. I cannot do this again. Why God? You never gave us any notice. You never gave them any notice. You never gave her kids any notice. I will never forgive you. I don't care if you never forgive me. No one deserved this. I hate you right now. 

Bob