Unload

The smell of metal on metal. Worn out boxes and containers. Night air seeping into the hub. Dust on everything. The camaraderie of people from many backgrounds and situations. The hard working women and men doing a second job just for insurance for their family. The laughs in the feeder. The constant jokes. Jokes about your own race. The thought of a better life. The mid load break. A cookie or a pretzel for a quick energy boost. The constant lifting and bending. Picking up 125lb engine parts straight off the grates. Not thinking about that college class I was failing. Missing my girlfriend and the safety of our phone calls before I would leave for Hog Island. The boss man sending me to the full load that came in during peak shift. Men and women starting to get ready to catch the bus. A quick I will see you tomorrow. Life moving faster than a package through the system of belts. Being young enough to still have dreams but old enough to see many dreams dashed….relegated to the feeder unload. Thirty years ago….the best job I ever had…working for Brown. 

Let

Let the silence be your strength. 

Let the power come from within.

Let the light from your fire burn through the trees. 

Let your waves come crashing in from the tide and go back out to sea. 

Let your mind be at ease, yet steadfast. 

Let your faith support your uncertainty. 

Let go of the chains and shackles keeping you from flying.

Let them be. 

Let the wind be at your back. 

Let the sun shine on your face. 

Let yourself have grace. 

Let life love you again. 

Worn

I had these thoughts. It felt like 10 years away. Somewhere there is salt air and we can hear waves crashing against the rocks; settling on to the beach. I saw myself, but it was an entirely different life. A life vastly opposite of my current one. Someone was with me. I don’t know who she was, but she was by my side. Smiles peeking out from behind a counter or even some type of kitchen. Pointing at people I have been close to. A dim street light outside of the structure I am inside. Worn jeans and a navy or blue worn sweatshirt emblazoned with the logo of some oyster house or watering hole; a gift from a friend. I don’t hear crickets any more. I hear the forever lapping current of the waves under the dock and I feel a sense of calm. I am finally thinking that another life is out there. A more calm adventure. An ocean that protects my peace. And her, that I long to love.

Changed

There are things you recover from and things you don’t….either way, you’re changed forever. 

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” Laurel K. Hamilton

The Darkness

The clapping stopped. The laughter ceased. The people went home with their loved ones. The seats were empty. The curtain closed. The people around you left or moved on. You look to your left and right and up and down and there is no one there. There is nothing under you. The lights dimmed and it’s getting darker. You realize you’re alone. In your mind, you are not alone. You have memories of being surrounded by loved ones and care. Those memories start to dim as well. You are left to wander alone blindly in this darkness of the unknown. It creates fear inside of you. Fear of not just the unknown, but losing what was in your past that you cherish and lost. It happened and it’s real, but it’s gone. You are the only one who can light your path in the darkness. As you slowly create a dim light along your new path, reach your hand out for those that are reaching for you. Do so with apprehension of their intent and some trepidation of their goals; they might not be on the same path as you and that’s natural. Let the light illuminate your heart. Love yourself again. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, I am the light in my darkness. 

Carry Me

If you told me this is where I would be, at this point in life, I would probably not believe you. Not because of all the great stuff I experienced, but rather so much pain I made it through. Really the pain I see in others who have gone through similar experiences. If you told me I would have to watch them suffer, I probably would’ve been so sad and wondered why things happened the way they did. If you told me, “oh, that’s life Bobby…” I would say, yeah, I wanted more time; not a lifetime, but more time. If you told me how grateful I can be, on a quiet Wednesday morning, alone in my place, I wouldn’t believe you. Gratitude wasn’t a thing from 0-30 really. It was shaped as things eroded. It was there, but hidden in a hard shell of survival….instead of reflection. If you told me I would have a before and after in life; well that I would probably believe. Like one of my favorite Foo Fighters song, “I’m getting tired of starting again, somewhere new…” This life, the hard, the struggle, the survival, the growth of gratitude and the blindness of criticism….let it empower you…there’s a reason sporting events have timeouts, halftimes, ends of innings…everything that happens, ends, everything that happens, begins. Face the sun with strength and pride and when there is no strength, go inside your heart and remember when your most special person carried strength in their heart for you….and smile…cause they never even told you how much they were carrying for you…because they knew, one day, you’d be carrying it for someone you love. 

Bob

Reframe

The silver lining is that the most important version of her isn't stored on a piece of glossy paper or a hard drive anyway. It’s hardwired into the way you remember how she made you feel when you were running on empty, and the grace she gave you.

Sometimes, the lack of photos means your mind gets to hold onto the memory in its purest form—just the feeling of it, unattached to an image.