Worn

I had these thoughts. It felt like 10 years away. Somewhere there is salt air and we can hear waves crashing against the rocks; settling on to the beach. I saw myself, but it was an entirely different life. A life vastly opposite of my current one. Someone was with me. I don’t know who she was, but she was by my side. Smiles peeking out from behind a counter or even some type of kitchen. Pointing at people I have been close to. A dim street light outside of the structure I am inside. Worn jeans and a navy or blue worn sweatshirt emblazoned with the logo of some oyster house or watering hole; a gift from a friend. I don’t hear crickets any more. I hear the forever lapping current of the waves under the dock and I feel a sense of calm. I am finally thinking that another life is out there. A more calm adventure. An ocean that protects my peace. And her, that I long to love.

Changed

There are things you recover from and things you don’t….either way, you’re changed forever. 

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” Laurel K. Hamilton

The Darkness

The clapping stopped. The laughter ceased. The people went home with their loved ones. The seats were empty. The curtain closed. The people around you left or moved on. You look to your left and right and up and down and there is no one there. There is nothing under you. The lights dimmed and it’s getting darker. You realize you’re alone. In your mind, you are not alone. You have memories of being surrounded by loved ones and care. Those memories start to dim as well. You are left to wander alone blindly in this darkness of the unknown. It creates fear inside of you. Fear of not just the unknown, but losing what was in your past that you cherish and lost. It happened and it’s real, but it’s gone. You are the only one who can light your path in the darkness. As you slowly create a dim light along your new path, reach your hand out for those that are reaching for you. Do so with apprehension of their intent and some trepidation of their goals; they might not be on the same path as you and that’s natural. Let the light illuminate your heart. Love yourself again. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, I am the light in my darkness. 

Carry Me

If you told me this is where I would be, at this point in life, I would probably not believe you. Not because of all the great stuff I experienced, but rather so much pain I made it through. Really the pain I see in others who have gone through similar experiences. If you told me I would have to watch them suffer, I probably would’ve been so sad and wondered why things happened the way they did. If you told me, “oh, that’s life Bobby…” I would say, yeah, I wanted more time; not a lifetime, but more time. If you told me how grateful I can be, on a quiet Wednesday morning, alone in my place, I wouldn’t believe you. Gratitude wasn’t a thing from 0-30 really. It was shaped as things eroded. It was there, but hidden in a hard shell of survival….instead of reflection. If you told me I would have a before and after in life; well that I would probably believe. Like one of my favorite Foo Fighters song, “I’m getting tired of starting again, somewhere new…” This life, the hard, the struggle, the survival, the growth of gratitude and the blindness of criticism….let it empower you…there’s a reason sporting events have timeouts, halftimes, ends of innings…everything that happens, ends, everything that happens, begins. Face the sun with strength and pride and when there is no strength, go inside your heart and remember when your most special person carried strength in their heart for you….and smile…cause they never even told you how much they were carrying for you…because they knew, one day, you’d be carrying it for someone you love. 

Bob

Reframe

The silver lining is that the most important version of her isn't stored on a piece of glossy paper or a hard drive anyway. It’s hardwired into the way you remember how she made you feel when you were running on empty, and the grace she gave you.

Sometimes, the lack of photos means your mind gets to hold onto the memory in its purest form—just the feeling of it, unattached to an image.

Done

I’ve done a lot of shit in my life. You know what? I haven’t done it with you and that’s what I want. I want you next to me on this journey of life. You are what makes it complete. You are what makes it love. You are what gets into my soul, to where, if you’re not there, it is not a complete moment. You are what’s missing. 

DM

You gave me

Hope. Laughs. Confidence. An inviting smile. A blush. A new outlook. Honesty. Real. Comfort. Friendly. Happy. Excited. Curious. 

Sometimes all a person needs is someone to talk to about life. It’s special when you connect with a perfect stranger you meet by pure chance who opens their heart and mind to listen and interact. You don’t know how much you helped me that night.