AM

 AM

There’s always the before and after right? Before and after college. Before and after that first girlfriend or boyfriend. Before and after skydiving. Before and after that first loss of someone special. The before and after the excitement of that new person in your life. The before and after your darkest thoughts or fears. Before and after conquering them. I can remember the before. The me before. The me after. I speculate this is life. Moments time stamped that change our course or they change us. We’d all wish it was always something changing us for the better but such is life. Death is something I definitely no longer fear because it does happen to everyone at some point, so why bother worrying about it or fighting the inevitable. The element of surprise is tucked away in pandora’s box and explodes like a clown with that terrible crank that is used. I didn’t expect the news this week. We had just talked last week. Talked about old days, but quickly transitioned to our professional lives. You finishing school and me starting a new job at a new company. Hope became a theme. Many years ago I was a stranger who hoped to make some friends and you were a special one. I reckon God needed a fantastic hype man and oh man did he get one. Keep our fires going my friend. While there is a before and after of you in my life, I cherish the memories of you in my life and please help direct me down this path of life from the heavens above. We all need guidance….some day it will be a life after all of us. 

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” - Jack Lemmon

to the surface

The new year. I can't even think to go into all that happened this year. I don't want to rehash what many of us have experienced cause there is so much more to life than just that. I want to wash away the sorrows, the frowns, the incompleteness, the missed opportunities, the what-if's, the what could've been and the goodbyes. The goodbye of a fine soul who missed our holidays. I thought of her often. I thought of calling her and couldn't. I know she's with her sister. I know she would've been disappointed at all we argue and bicker about on this earth; staring down, wishing they were with us. I felt shame when it started. I felt shame when it ended. Realizing the fragility of life...so many of us have lost important souls, but we still find time to worry and fight about the same things. I thought about those moments recently. What would 80 year old (god willing) me say to 44 year old me. I thought what would my mom think about all of this if she were still here? I kept looking to the children around me. That hope, that glint in their eyes, they convey the feeling that possibilities are endless and hope is not fleeting. A new journey starts tomorrow. A new journey started yesterday. A new journey may not include those from the old journey, but such is life. I know that the people that are there for me know I love them. I want to turn this anxiety into excitement. I want to be excited about life again. Not annoyed with the daily requirements. Not bothered or jealous at what is not there and grateful for what is. The beating heart and the chance to get it right. 

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." - Soren Kierkegaard